+= Puppet Turned Scapegoat =+

Amazing how my opinions, never affected your decisions

Amazing how what you felt, was more important than reason

Amazing how suddenly I, have been placed as the advocate for all your decisions

Amazing how I, am suddenly the cause of all this friction

Forgotten are the days when I asked you to look at things from a different point of view

Forgotten are the days when I asked you to walk in someone else's shoes

Forgotten are the days when I shed some light to a world you would have not have thought of

Forgotten are the days when I sighed for a battle not worth fighting for     

And yet today light has been shed on the situation

Tables have turned and fingers have been pointed

Awkward conversations and indiscreet silences

Brush offs and cold shoulders

In my direction no doubt

No one else knows of the going ons backstage

Yet the performances in the spotlight is all that matter

And you have executed your role flawlessly

As they say, life is but a stage play

Quiet as I lay

Cringing at the knifes that stab

The story will be left untold

For I remain the puppet turned scapegoat.

When you give, you receive in tenfold.

I know I haven't been updating much. Life has just been one turbulence after another. It shouldn't be a surprise that I'm looking forward to the New Year. I hope things work out better. Scratch that. I know things will be better. (by the power of will as they say)

Anyways, its been a long Christmas this year. Although I wasn't in Ipoh most of the time. However, I found a new feeling for Christmas this year. One that I know I will keep for a long, long, long, long, long, long..........time. *you catch my drift*

It started off with a visit to the Pediatric ward at UUMC Hospital in the middle of December. I never thought that the joy I saw on the faces of the children could make the sun shine seem brighter. But it did. Don't get me wrong, I have done my fair share of charity work in the past. Yet, this just seemed different. I saw the expression of gloom on some of the faces of these children a few minutes before. Suddenly while interacting with them, their faces simply lit up with wonder. Of course it helped that Allie & Tabby, the mascots from the mountain I work for was there. But still, there was this sudden change in them, like soft blush of excitement as they received gifts and hugged the mascots. Heads up to the 2 men who walked around in the suits for 2 hours. By the end of the day, they were barely breathing. Lol.

Then there was this crazily Funky Christmas Party! Which was held on the mountain for nearly 400 less fortunate children. The preparation for the event the night before truly made me feel like one of Santa's Elf's. The hours spent preparing 400 goodie bags and sorting out gifts till the wee hours of the morning and getting barely 2 hours of sleep really was worth it. From putting t-shirts and teddy bears into a bag, to sorting through names and making sure that each child had the gift he/she wished for. We even checked the name list twice! Talking about being true to playing the part of Santa's Little Helper. I'm glad to say that each child walked away that day with the gift they wished for. I on the other hand, walked away with this strong sense of what Christmas is all about. I even had Christmas songs playing through my head the whole week. =) *Santa Baby....lalalalala*

The next day after work, headed back home to spend Christmas with the family. Me and the bro's made plans and came up with crazy gifts for the family. Let me tell you, there was a lot of conspiracy going on. Safe to say that everyone ended up with many awesome gifts and smiles went round the whole house. Especially with the parents. They seemed quite overjoyed and I am glad! *all the stress was worth it* Mum was especially in good moods and Dad was just grinning ear to ear.

The day after Christmas, Dad & the Lions Club decided to visit some Spastic Children and we enjoyed our time with them singing Christmas Carols. They clapped and echoed along as we sang... *even though some were croaking* Lol.


I've learnt some really valuable lessons this Christmas. Lessons I don't ever want to forget. I guess this post will remain to remind of them. Till the next time, I hope you all have/had/will have a Blessed Merry Christmas & an Awesome Fulfilling New Year. It doesn't matter what has/will happen. What matters is that you make the best of it!


*photos to be updated soon*

+= to walk his steps =+

i've learnt to tip toe
much like him
to inhale a breath or two
on those cold nights


those nights 
where your mind just needs to run
i take the same motions as he does
A box, a spark, a puff, a blow


No sound, just breathe
No sound, just the nite
No sound, just the sky
No sound, just my mind and I


Not one of his finer habits
Not one he’d be proud of that I picked up
But yet to walk in the same steps
Feel the same raw emotions


The same attempt for escape, 
but two different directions

+= Thank You =+

Dear you,
Thank you for finding the time to meet up.

Thank you for not blowing your top.
Thank you for taking the effort.
Thank you for being a remedy to the hurt.
Thank you for being so accepting of all that we are.
Thank you for sitting with me while i looked at stars.
Thank you for being here all this while.
Thank you for having your own style.
Thank you for not getting pissed with what I say. 
Even if we 'kutuk' u everyday.
Thank you for sticking up for us.
Thank you for joining in when we curse.
Thank you for offering your shoulder.
Thank you for being bolder.
Thank you for passing me the tissue.
Thank you for not making harping on the issue.
Thank you for twisting my brains a little.
Thank you for making me giggle.
Thank you for the songs you sing.
Thank you for the joy you bring.
Thank you for being so quiet.
Thank you for staying up though your tired.
Thank you for offering me somewhere i can run to.
Thank you for just being you.
Look how fast time has flown.
Look at how much we’ve all grown.
Maybe we’re older.
Maybe we’re not much wiser.
The travel may have been a little tough.
In time we may get busy with our own stuff.
But I know one thing for sure.
It’ll take years to find friendship like ours so pure. 

Special Dedication to  all you lovable people in my world. 

+= Hope =+

She's back at that place again. 

Watching broken people. 

Who in turn watch their own broken dreams float by.

Who live their broken lives.

Daily trying to mend their broken hearts.

She sits and watches. Helpless.

As the world quakes.

As empires falls.

As lives crumble around her.

Shards barely missing her.

Her skin filled with scrapes and cuts.

She moves but a muscles.

Just sit and wait.

Hold your ground.

Their lives do not destine yours.

Its getting harder to hold on.

Hope has become but a glimmer.

Yet it still burns. 

Even with the smallest spark.

And that is all that matters. 

+= Tears Of A Clown =+

I sat today and I cried.

Overwhelmed by a million and one situations.

Lost and confined to my little corner. 

Not knowing where to turn.

I once had arms to hold me.

Rocking my quivering frame.

As I broke down and leaned.

Those arms are now long gone.

No longer recognizable and no longer in existence.

My shoulders are my own strength.

My sleeves are my tissue to dry these tears.

My own spine is what I lean on when breaking.

Too alone for my own good.

Too strong for my own will.

Too independent for my own sanity.

Too ignorant to my own pain.

Thoughts and pain gets brushed off easy.

Like water to the back of a duck.

Only there for a moment before I move on.

Scratches and bruises covered with plaster.

Left to fester and sore.

Ignored and left to scare.

Thick is my skin.

No one shall know whats left deep within.

=+ His Grey Eyes +=

I promised myself not to think of you, not to want to see you, not to want to feel you.You have become a habit.

I don't like it...but you have become a habit.
I can't help it....that you are now a habit.
I guess it is my habit, to want things that are out of reach.
Now to deviate my habit.

It is not easy. The days seem longer, time passes slower and tasks just take forever. Without a distraction.

She couldn't seem to focus. Couldn't get sidetracked either. Her thoughts kept rushing back to him. When they were in the same room, his essence seemed to fill the air. His presence no matter how insignificant, made the whole room spin. It felt like the whole world was swept away and all that was left, was them.

Yet, he seemed out of bounds. His being totally encased by a glass, a shield. Impenetrable. Untouchable. 

She longed for the days when they seemed to belong. Why hadn't she taken that leap of faith? Maybe he had felt the same way. Now, things seemed so indifferent. She couldn't tell whether he was still the same person. She didn't know whether she was wither.

She tried hiding in her nook. Tried to pull herself together. She masked herself again, like when she used to before he made imprints. Before his smile touched her being. Before his pouts and frowns drew worry upon her brows.

Time keeps moving. But she, is at a stand still. Unable to flow along. Unable to catch the rhythm.

She just wants to be where they had been. Maybe a lil' more. Perhaps his strong arms could hold her. Perhaps his cuddles could piece her together again. His breath could guide her to breathe again. Perhaps his humour could make her truly laugh again and maybe, just maybe, his love could make her whole again.

She can't take it anymore, thoughts of him cloud her all day. She wishes she could tell him, but afraid it would scare him away. Fear, that things would never fall into place. Dreading, to look at him and see another face.She tries to stay away. Cause he clams up every time she takes a step forward. She's drawn to him. Like a moth to fire, her instinct won't let her move away.

There's more to you than meets the eyes.
I want to look into those mysterious orbs.
To see their hidden treasures.
To find the reason why they change a slight gray.
To make maya come true.
Or just to know of the sensations it holds, just for a while.

One Month Of Absence..

Its been over a month since I've had the time to sit down and actually breathe...
It feels like I've just been on the move constantly and I haven't had the time to be myself anymore.Could be a good thing, but on the other hand, could lead me somewhere I don't want to go.

Its come to a point where I may have just lost myself while on my journey to discovery. 
I'm finding it hard, but I'm still trying to remain ME as much as possible.

 August has brought DRAMA, farewells and fears.Hopefully next month will be a lil' calmer. 
Even so, it has also brought some REVELATIONS, good times and opportunities.

Now to list out everything in a Nutshell!
Done :
1. Interviewed Chef Robert Rainford (License To Grill) *extremely honoured*
2. Went through the Ghost House and Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum at the First World Plaza.
3. Hosted a dinner for the Global Model United Nations Conference (got paid) *extremely lucky*
Amazed :
1. Friends who once strayed put away their differences to start over again.
2. Got approached to be 'Mistress of Ceremonies'
3. Social Media is such HUGE 'in-thing' right now. Use it wisely.
4. Caught up with friends!!!
Learnt :
1. BIG Multi-National Corporations can have small minded people in them
2. Some people never grow out of high school drama, even after many years of leaving the school gates.
3. People can be confusing. Sometimes its best not to even try to read into ANYTHING at all.
4. People, especially IN the 'system' are not organized even if they should be. *Never Have Expectations* 

+= The Dream Watcher =+

Now the clock is ticking clear

And our time is drawing near

My heart is aching to see one more smile

I’ll just watch your profile for a while

Those were the thoughts of The Pauper before she had decided to walk down this path. How she wished the notion had never crossed her mind. How she wished to have the past quarter of an hour not exist.

She walked out in the mist, lost in her thoughts. Having just found her heart mutilated again, consequences of her own undoing. She had been down this road too many times before. Thorn to pieces, numbed.

She had thrown herself like a canon ball into the cold dark depths of the ocean, hoping and praying that a lifeline would miraculously appear. It still wasn’t her turn, and it hurt. She had watched silently as others survived floating along, holding tightly to their buoys while she struggled for dear life to keep a float.

She walked down darkened corridors, through secret passageways from the castle in which she would never belong. She glanced to her side, seeing again The Prince in his soft warm chambers in the arms of The Beauty. What of herself? Foolish girl, she would never fit there.

How could she have thought otherwise?

She must think too highly of herself.

She dreams too far.

She wants too much.

The Beauty dressed in her finest. Hands painted. Face polished. Clothes gleamed with sparkles.

The prince dressed in finery. Fluffy seams. Face full of character.

The pauper herself, complicated. One day in the best she could find from castaways and on other days, in ragged up wear. She would never have the sophistication acquired to reach their air of class.

Waking up from her thoughts, she finds herself lost, disorientated. Her thoughts, ideas and kaleidoscopes have brought her to a dead end. Searching, she finds her way through the cold, damp air, dark forests and stumbles her way in the direction of her chilled nook. 

The quiet kills as she falls into her cot. Her masks no longer exist, faceless suddenly. The warmth and spirit taken away from her just like how they had inexplicably appeared. Exhausted and wasted, she tries to pull herself together, looking for the strength she can no longer uncover.

Reflections of him flood her mind endlessly. The secret letters they wrote. The pet names they shared. The humour. The laughter. The pointless jibes they playfully abused each other with.

Now bleeding from her eyes, her heart smashed into million pieces over and over again. She could never go down that road again. She had lost her will to fight a long while ago.

Tormented, she had to make peace with her past the only way she knew how, by replaying the old memories. Demons from within crept up to remind her of the pain she had survived. The roads of treachery and disguise she witnessed to get where she was. No where.

Knowing no other way, she accepted her fate and flowed along with the evil, as they showed her the nightmares she would be dreaming of.

If only she could find someone who was willing to watch over her dreams, if only for a night.

+= A Question =+

This odd fascination

Is beginning to cause an irritation

For a simple reason

That it is becoming a distraction

It is a confusing explanation

An infatuation

Of an attraction

I proceed with apprehension

For fear of complication

It is in fact an abomination

One which in conclusion

Would not be an obligation

But could mean salvation

For a two soul combination

For words to become a personification

The effect can only be some form of satisfaction

Even if it may turn into rejection

+= Sunshine =+

Ain't No Sunshine

I've heard this song many times. It was originally performed by Bill Withers, but has been covered by so many artists in their own personalized fashion.

Even Kriss Allen on American Idol. (Season 8)


Then I came across this version today. Somehow it just blew me away. So calming and meaningful.

+= True LOVE is Sacrifice. LOVE is Selfless not Selfish =+

always solo
but you wait to hear the words echo 
as you spit rhymes precise, 
like airflow on an arrow

behind your eyes of doe
I see dreams bigger than a condo

kampung boy, slightly slow
wear your halo, but we know
catch a pose thinking macho
cheeky grins in your photo

we'll wait to see the rainbow
in that open plain meadow

i think i know you from a while ago
Hey, isn't ur name 'Ego'?

+= Change, like Sunshine, can be a Friend or a Foe =+

I've gotten the one or two odd visits from friends since I started working my here 5 weeks ago. =)
Got a sudden visit by a dear friend. His camera shy, so I had to bully him a little. Lol.

Speaking of friends, I got in contact with a some old friends recently...

Its interesting to see how we've all grown and changed individually. Surprisingly even after these few years of not really being on good terms, how easy it is get back into the pace we once were on. To be able to catch up with all the many things we've learnt on our journey and to have our paths crossed again. 

Just to be able to sit side by side. Crack silly jokes. In the midst of heart to heart talks. Jump to funny little conclusions. Be brought back down to earth. Realize that LIFE is a BIG word and we are no where near where we used to be or where we are headed.

I don't know where I'll end up. But I do know this. No matter where it is, my loved ones and friends, no matter how far gone they are, will always hold a special place in my heart.

+= Ink NOT Mink =+

Stumbled upon some of these posters and got a lil' curious. Being the daughter of a vet, I grew up with animals. Thus my love for MOST fury creatures. I say most with the exception of critters like rats. =S

Anyways, did a lil' research on PETA and this is what I found out.

PETA = People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals = largest animal rights organization in the world = 2 million member and supporters

They focus their attention on the four areas in which the largest numbers of animals suffer the most intensely for the longest periods of time :
1. factory farms 
2. laboratories
3. the clothing trade
4. the entertainment industry * this include poorly kept Zoo's and circus'*

PETA works through public education, cruelty investigations, research, animal rescue, legislation, special events, celebrity involvement, and protest campaigns.

Clickety click (here) for more info!

If you don't get what I mean in the entertainment section,watch the video below.

Taken at Kota A'Famosa. Druggin an animal which is an endangered species like this is ILLEGAL!

Not so smart people * I'm being very nice here* did this to attract visitors by giving them a chance to see the animal upclose but WHAT THE HECK!

Wonder how that guy would feel if I smacked and kneed him in the face like he did the poor animal.

They even had the nerve to claim that the Tiger was just naturally sleepy.

+= Rain Melts =+

A Rain Kiss : Letting silver liquid droplets fall on your head as the splashes and the heart beat of a loved one sings you a lullaby.

__________________________________________________________________________

This is one talented individual. I caught one of his performance before and his such a sweetheart with a cheeky grin (watch the beginning of the video closely if you don't believe me). His name is Darren Ashley.

+= Love =+

I stumbled upon this video recently and it absolutely took my breath away.
An absolute feast for the senses.

Let your eyes learn, your ears educated, your mind developed and your heart learns a lesson.

+= Hide Away =+

How do I explain the feeling

One where you need to find a place to hide away

By myself

My sanctuary

A place to call my own

My haven from the chills of the night

My shelter from the storm

My lantern in the dark

My music in the quiet

Warmed by skin on skin

Touch of lips on lips

Fingers tickle a caress

Arms cuddled in a cocoon

Tea light candles lit

Where music plays

And the skylight trickles in

Liquids intoxicate

Greens lighted

Pillows thrown in comfort

Tangled sheets

Where games were played

Tangled hair

Where bodies combined

Tangled limbs

Where comfort is shared

How do I explain the feeling

One where I need to find a place to hide away

+= New Place =+

The new place is slowly growing on me. Like how mellow cup of coffee in the morning just seeps through the system with every sip. Its getting comfortable.

I keep myself busy with work...then finish the evening meeting people at the Mess or just chilling in my room with a good book.

Speaking of my room, here is a lil' peek of what it looks like :

My mummy would be real proud with how organized this is. =)

Yes people, I make my bed. Everyday.

Plus I have a new gadget to help me stay in touch with the loved ones!

Yes, I named my laptop = Ayesha. Haven't found a name for her extension pack though. Lol.

+= Renewal =+

I've been here for about 4 weeks already, and things have been different from what I'm used to.
It is good, in a way.
Gives me a new experience. A new environment; definitely a new way of looking at things.
I'm slowly fitting in. Getting accustomed to things and settling issues. Only drawback is that I miss the friends and loved ones down hill. 
_________________________________________________________________

On a different note :

The turn of events lately have got me thinking, A LOT. 
Is it possible for things to turn out to be so twisted? 
Does a person have to go through life having to keep defending themselves? 
I lost the will to fight that way a long time ago, and i guess since I keep shutting off and not wanting to push my point out there, people will keep attacking.
I will still remain silent. Whats the point of fighting fire with fire?
I will still remain silent. Whats the point of fighting for my defense when the verdict had been set?
I won't break. Many have tried to test my sturdiness.
As long as I know where I stand and what I did. I know who I am, that's all that counts.
_________________________________________________________________

Anyways, on a lighter note : I've gotten a hair cut.

=+ This Type of Love +=

I watched this video a while back and in the quiet darkness of my room glanced into the world I wish I could have.

I want his type of love.

The kind which leaves shivers down your spine and you wouldn't even mind. It makes your toes curl, and your heard swirl.Type of love which makes your stomach flutter, your heart beats faster and slower. All at the same time.

Anyways, this is one poet I'm going to officially say I've fallen in love with. (too bad his married)

I Love Daddy!

Since its Father's Day, I've decided to list down why I LOVE my PAPA. (a.k.a Pops/Dad/Daddy/Father/Ah Pa/)

1. I Love my PAPA, because he didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.

2. I Love my PAPA, because where his money used to be, he now carries pictures of me.

3. I Love my PAPA, because he is Santa Claus.

4. I Love my PAPA, because he is someone to look up to, no matter how tall I've grown.

5. I Love my PAPA, because I follow his example not his advice.

6. I Love my PAPA, because I’ve learnt to smile like him. (from the heart)

7. I Love my PAPA, because he loves me to death.

8. I Love my PAPA, because he believes in me.

9. I Love my PAPA, because I used to run into his arms when his hands are empty.

10. I Love my PAPA, bacause he thought me to sing.

11. I Love my PAPA, because he LOVE(pretends to love) every single present, no matter what I give him.

12. I Love my PAPA, because no matter where I am, or what I'm doing, I still miss him.

13. I Love my PAPA, because his guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever.

14. I Love my PAPA, because since I was a baby his been trying to make me into a little woman.

15. I Love my PAPA, because he is very strong. (His had to be to bring up me and my 3 bros)

16. I Love my PAPA, because he has a way of putting everything back together, no matter how bad it seems to be.

17. I Love my PAPA, because he protects me.

18. I Love my PAPA, because he taught me to be steady, active, and that opportunity and responsibility go hand in hand. He taught me how to excel.

19. I Love my PAPA, because he is and always will be the first man in her life.

20. I Love my PAPA, beacuse he taught me what HUGS are worth.

21. I Love my PAPA, because taught me that laughter was the best medicine

22. I Love my PAPA, because his words are like a line of gold thread, and gradually over the years its gotten to be long enough for me to pick up in my hands, and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself.

I know he probably won't be reading this. Maybe one day soon, I'll come around to giving him this list. For now, I'll just leave it as a work in progress...

The Simple Joys Of Life

I was planing to write about this earlier, but some how got distracted. *sheepish grin*

Anyways, with all the running around I've been doing...I've somehow found some comfort up here on this hill. I guess when you do get a chance to work around, it's surprising how much you learn to appreciate when you are in a new place new.

Since I had to go on a treasure hunt for ribbons and I had spectacles to help me look around, I actually saw a few heart catching moments which I which I could have caught on video. Its this special moments in life I never want to forget.

Its so easy to get caught up with life and the amount of havoc we face with responsibility that we forget to enjoy life and all its deep intricasies.

Walking around, I caught this old couple probably in their early 70's,enjoying lunch while holding hands. I couldn't help but notice how they enjoyed life vicariously,so in love, like no one else was around. The wife whispered into her husbands ear, fussed over his meal and teased him. He tried to remain all macho, enjoying the attention he got and when they had finished their meal,he surprised her with a nice peck on her cheek. I barely caught it, but I caught them sharing this secret smile when their eyes met. Like they've been keeping a secret for a million years.

I guess it is true. In the end, the small things count the most

This hill has become one of much wonder for me.
Where else would you meet a lady from India in her 50's clad traditionally in a Saree, paired with a cool set of sneakers?

At the same place you would find a father carrying his lil' baby girl in his arms like she was the most precious item in the whole world. Fussing over her, and keeping her safe as he trudged through a walkway full of people rushing through their planned day of fun and excitement. He just took his time,walking and talking to her, making sure she was not startled by the sights and sounds, introducing her to new things and making sure her baby clothes were on right so she wasn't cold.

Puts a smile on my face just thinking about it. I didn't have a camera then. *damn* But at least I've got them all written down here to share with you. =)     

Turning nerdy.

It's been a crazy 3 days of running around. Part of the jobscope here is to be versatile and spontaneousTick and HUGE HUMONGOUS TICK

Had to go down hill to Wisma Genting for a meeting on Wednesday. Boy was I relieved. Well besides the sudden plan, packing, and rushing down without having anything to eat since lunch the day before, it was some how nice to step foot again in the concrete jungle with crazy air pollution, hot melting weather and traffic jams. Lol. Doesn't seem that enticing now, but that has been normalcy for me for the many years of my life. Up here where concrete + jungle come together, we walk, breathe fresh air, watch clouds pass by among us, all while suffer shivering nights and endless fights to stay warm after a shower in the early morning.

Stayed over at Denise's place after meeting. Decided not to do anything else cause we were both mentally and physically exhausted. Came back up hill early in the morning where we had another meeting to sit down to. *sigh* (Sings : Meeting after meeting..I'm becoming a workaholic)

After work at 7, (which I left earlier than normal)walked around FIRST WORLD PLAZA to look for ribbons for an event tomorrow and to purchase myself a pair of SPECTACLES

Not quite retail therapy, (since I think retail therapy requires you to spend your own money) but equally satisfying and gratifying. Couldn't be walking around half blind anymore since my contact lenses were giving me such a problem. Anyways, got a Polo brand of spectacles worth *drum roll* RM360

Yes i can hear the sounds of *gasp* and people fainting. That's what you get for making purchases up hill. But thankfully Mum and Dad chipped in for now, will pay them back once my pay is in. =)

Unfortunately, couldn't find the ribbons. So went to the MESS with Sharon, my colleague and Wei Vien (pronounced Vivian) my roommate. Fun, down to earth babes. (meaning they aren't as crazy as I am) Chilled there for a bit then headed back to bed.

Today's been crazy with a mission to find ribbons, which turned out could be found at Lovely Lace. *smacks head* Then ran around some more for event preparations. Buying more ribbons cause what I bought wasn't enough, and getting things done. *big huff* Now I'm back in office, working on some writing, but couldn't help but fill this up. Wait a minute...I wasn't supposed to fill you in on my pass 3 days. *smacks head again* Oh well...next post je la....*giggles*