Gone...

After months of keeping things under control, I think I've lost it.
I don't know how to think/feel/react/interact/manage anymore.

Maybe its the stress of trying the best not to screw up the last chance at paper qualifications.
Maybe its the notice that the world does not give you what you have given to it.
Maybe its the emotional let down of having to lose a friend for reasons which are out of your own capabilities, although you've tried your best not to let it happen.
Maybe its the exhaustion from constantly having to deal with issues caused by people who won't think things through before taking action.
Maybe its the knowledge that nothing is going as planned.
Maybe its the sudden loneliness that engulfs you although the room is full of people.
Maybe its the disappointment of knowing that people still find a way to make comments of you even if you try your best to stay well hidden.
Maybe its the sudden urge to want to run away and hide from the world.
Maybe its the knowledge that as much as you try your best to keep something alive with least suffering, if its time to go, its time to go.
Maybe its the let down of knowing someone could make a difference, just stand by, watch and do absolutely nothing.
Maybe its the feeling when something you hold so precious and dear, get snatched away while in your grasp.

It could just be the suppressed anger from all the above boiling up and eating you alive.
It could just be tears which need to be shed.
It could be the need to have someone just hold you and not having to be strong on your own accord.

Even so, there is no time or space to break down. Situations may take a toll, but the backbone still needs to remain strong. Even when at the brink of insanity. Even if you are exhausted and the mind still remains adamant on playing tricks on you, even as you sleep.

Get me out of here.

Living is more important..

Its been forever since I've penned my thoughts. Its ironic really that when I finally decided to drag myself out of bed this morning, I was overcome with this urge to just sit and write. After months of ignoring this page, I seemed to just gravitate to it.

I've just turned 24. The years have taken me through quite a few adventures and taught me a bunch of lessons that I am grateful for. Its made me stronger and wiser. I'm pretty sure that there are a lot more lessons just lurking in the corner and waiting to just throw themselves at me, I've learnt to just give them their time and space to happen.

I've been reminded an awful lot lately to just LIVE life. Because its short. Because you only get to live it once. Because you should constantly count on your blessings before they feel like they've been taken for grantedd. The past week has been filled with people constantly dropping notes of how I should keep breathing and take things a step at a time. And looking back, I couldn't agree more.

I was given quite a hard knock on the head when a friend told me at the wee hours in the morning that, 'Life, is not about the rat race your running, its about living'. Something just snapped in me. I just noticed how I've been trying my hardest to rush through the time and I've forgotten to really take a step back and smile. I have to admit that stress has become like a constant in my days of late that I didn't even realize that its there. It took a trip to KL along with a dinner date with a bunch of crazy friends to take notice of how things have been just running wrongly.

I suddenly noticed how detached I've been. It feels like I've been just reading about life and how I go through my days instead of actually living it. Does that happen to anyone else? Where you look back at the past few months and don't know where they flew by. Recalling them is like remembering words from a book you just read. Not something you've actually experienced but just words that pass in your head. I'm detached.

+= Puppet Turned Scapegoat =+

Amazing how my opinions, never affected your decisions

Amazing how what you felt, was more important than reason

Amazing how suddenly I, have been placed as the advocate for all your decisions

Amazing how I, am suddenly the cause of all these friction

Forgotten are the days when I asked you to look at things from a different point of view

Forgotten are the days when I asked you to walk in someone else's shoes

Forgotten are the days when I shed some light to a world you would have not have thought of

Forgotten are the days when I sighed for a battle not worth fighting for     

And yet today light has been shed on the situation

Tables have turned and fingers have been pointed

Awkward conversations and indiscreet silences

Brush offs and cold shoulders

In my direction no doubt

No one else knows of the going ons backstage

Yet the performances in the spotlight is all that matter

And you have executed your role flawlessly

As they say, life is but a stage play

Quiet as I lay

Cringing at the knifes that stab

The story will be left untold

For I remain the puppet turned scapegoat.

When you give, you receive in tenfold.

I know I haven't been updating much. Life has just been one turbulence after another. It shouldn't be a surprise that I'm looking forward to the New Year. I hope things work out better. Scratch that. I know things will be better. (by the power of will as they say)

Anyways, its been a long Christmas this year. Although I wasn't in Ipoh most of the time. However, I found a new feeling for Christmas this year. One that I know I will keep for a long, long, long, long, long, long..........time. *you catch my drift*

It started off with a visit to the Pediatric ward at UUMC Hospital in the middle of December. I never thought that the joy I saw on the faces of the children could make the sun shine seem brighter. But it did. Don't get me wrong, I have done my fair share of charity work in the past. Yet, this just seemed different. I saw the expression of gloom on some of the faces of these children a few minutes before. Suddenly while interacting with them, their faces simply lit up with wonder. Of course it helped that Allie & Tabby, the mascots from the mountain I work for was there. But still, there was this sudden change in them, like soft blush of excitement as they received gifts and hugged the mascots. Heads up to the 2 men who walked around in the suits for 2 hours. By the end of the day, they were barely breathing. Lol.

Then there was this crazily Funky Christmas Party! Which was held on the mountain for nearly 400 less fortunate children. The preparation for the event the night before truly made me feel like one of Santa's Elf's. The hours spent preparing 400 goodie bags and sorting out gifts till the wee hours of the morning and getting barely 2 hours of sleep really was worth it. From putting t-shirts and teddy bears into a bag, to sorting through names and making sure that each child had the gift he/she wished for. We even checked the name list twice! Talking about being true to playing the part of Santa's Little Helper. I'm glad to say that each child walked away that day with the gift they wished for. I on the other hand, walked away with this strong sense of what Christmas is all about. I even had Christmas songs playing through my head the whole week. =) *Santa Baby....lalalalala*

The next day after work, headed back home to spend Christmas with the family. Me and the bro's made plans and came up with crazy gifts for the family. Let me tell you, there was a lot of conspiracy going on. Safe to say that everyone ended up with many awesome gifts and smiles went round the whole house. Especially with the parents. They seemed quite overjoyed and I am glad! *all the stress was worth it* Mum was especially in good moods and Dad was just grinning ear to ear.

The day after Christmas, Dad & the Lions Club decided to visit some Spastic Children and we enjoyed our time with them singing Christmas Carols. They clapped and echoed along as we sang... *even though some were croaking* Lol.


I've learnt some really valuable lessons this Christmas. Lessons I don't ever want to forget. I guess this post will remain to remind of them. Till the next time, I hope you all have/had/will have a Blessed Merry Christmas & an Awesome Fulfilling New Year. It doesn't matter what has/will happen. What matters is that you make the best of it!


*photos to be updated soon*

+= to walk his steps =+

i've learnt to tip toe
much like him
to inhale a breath or two
on those cold nights


those nights 
where your mind just needs to run
i take the same motions as he does
A box, a spark, a puff, a blow


No sound, just breathe
No sound, just the nite
No sound, just the sky
No sound, just my mind and I


Not one one his finer habits
Not one he’d be proud of that I picked up
But yet to walk in the same steps
Feel the same raw emotions


The same attempt for escape, 
but two different directions

+= Thank You =+

Dear you,
Thank you for finding the time to meet up.

Thank you for not blowing your top.
Thank you for taking the effort.
Thank you for being a remedy to the hurt.
Thank you for being so accepting of all that we are.
Thank you for sitting with me while i looked at stars.
Thank you for being here all this while.
Thank you for having your own style.
Thank you for not getting pissed with what I say. 
Even if we 'kutuk' u everyday.
Thank you for sticking up for us.
Thank you for joining in when we curse.
Thank you for offering your shoulder.
Thank you for being bolder.
Thank you for passing me the tissue.
Thank you for not making harping on the issue.
Thank you for twisting my brains a little.
Thank you for making me giggle.
Thank you for the songs you sing.
Thank you for the joy you bring.
Thank you for being so quiet.
Thank you for staying up though your tired.
Thank you for offering me somewhere i can run to.
Thank you for just being you.
Look how fast time has flown.
Look at how much we’ve all grown.
Maybe we’re older.
Maybe we’re not much wiser.
The travel may have been a little tough.
In time we may get busy with our own stuff.
But I know one thing for sure.
It’ll take years to find friendship like ours so pure. 

Special Dedication to  all you lovable people in my world. 

+= Hope =+

She's back at that place again. 

Watching broken people. 

Who in turn watch their own broken dreams float by.

Who live their broken lives.

Daily trying to mend their broken hearts.

She sits and watches. Helpless.

As the world quakes.

As empires falls.

As lives crumble around her.

Shards barely missing her.

Her skin filled with scrapes and cuts.

She moves but a muscles.

Just sit and wait.

Hold your ground.

Their lives do not destine yours.

Its getting harder to hold on.

Hope has become but a glimmer.

Yet it still burns. 

Even with the smallest spark.

And that is all that matters.