Gone...

After months of keeping things under control, I think I've lost it.
I don't know how to think/feel/react/interact/manage anymore.

Maybe its the stress of trying the best not to screw up the last chance at paper qualifications.
Maybe its the notice that the world does not give you what you have given to it.
Maybe its the emotional let down of having to lose a friend for reasons which are out of your own capabilities, although you've tried your best not to let it happen.
Maybe its the exhaustion from constantly having to deal with issues caused by people who won't think things through before taking action.
Maybe its the knowledge that nothing is going as planned.
Maybe its the sudden loneliness that engulfs you although the room is full of people.
Maybe its the disappointment of knowing that people still find a way to make comments of you even if you try your best to stay well hidden.
Maybe its the sudden urge to want to run away and hide from the world.
Maybe its the knowledge that as much as you try your best to keep something alive with least suffering, if its time to go, its time to go.
Maybe its the let down of knowing someone could make a difference, just stand by, watch and do absolutely nothing.
Maybe its the feeling when something you hold so precious and dear, get snatched away while in your grasp.

It could just be the suppressed anger from all the above boiling up and eating you alive.
It could just be tears which need to be shed.
It could be the need to have someone just hold you and not having to be strong on your own accord.

Even so, there is no time or space to break down. Situations may take a toll, but the backbone still needs to remain strong. Even when at the brink of insanity. Even if you are exhausted and the mind still remains adamant on playing tricks on you, even as you sleep.

Get me out of here.

Living is more important..

Its been forever since I've penned my thoughts. Its ironic really that when I finally decided to drag myself out of bed this morning, I was overcome with this urge to just sit and write. After months of ignoring this page, I seemed to just gravitate to it.

I've just turned 24. The years have taken me through quite a few adventures and taught me a bunch of lessons that I am grateful for. Its made me stronger and wiser. I'm pretty sure that there are a lot more lessons just lurking in the corner and waiting to just throw themselves at me, I've learnt to just give them their time and space to happen.

I've been reminded an awful lot lately to just LIVE life. Because its short. Because you only get to live it once. Because you should constantly count on your blessings before they feel like they've been taken for grantedd. The past week has been filled with people constantly dropping notes of how I should keep breathing and take things a step at a time. And looking back, I couldn't agree more.

I was given quite a hard knock on the head when a friend told me at the wee hours in the morning that, 'Life, is not about the rat race your running, its about living'. Something just snapped in me. I just noticed how I've been trying my hardest to rush through the time and I've forgotten to really take a step back and smile. I have to admit that stress has become like a constant in my days of late that I didn't even realize that its there. It took a trip to KL along with a dinner date with a bunch of crazy friends to take notice of how things have been just running wrongly.

I suddenly noticed how detached I've been. It feels like I've been just reading about life and how I go through my days instead of actually living it. Does that happen to anyone else? Where you look back at the past few months and don't know where they flew by. Recalling them is like remembering words from a book you just read. Not something you've actually experienced but just words that pass in your head. I'm detached.