A dark place...

I'm lousy at this. I haven't been on this page in a long time. Too many memories. Too much drama. Too much baggage. Funny how I'm back here. Especially now.

It just feels like I've gotten to a really dark place and I can't seem to get out. The countless times I've told myself to straighten my back and push forward. I think I've grown immune to my own voice, my own sense of reason, my conscience.

It feels like I've lost control...of everything. Maybe I never had control to begin with. Maybe it was all ... I just don't know anymore.

I'm here coz I don't know where to turn to anymore. I'm here coz I've forgotten what its like to be able to open up and let someone else in. I'm here coz I think my thoughts are over dramatic and stupid and hold no worth but I can't help but be affected by them. I'm here coz I don't think other people will understand becoz I don't understand.

It's taken control and I can't stop it. I can't stop the days where all I want to do is curl up in a dark corner, shut off from the world and remain in silence. I can't control my temper and have lost most of my patience. I feel bad that I can't bring myself to participate in activities and conversations with dear friends and loved ones coz I don't want to have them succumb to my fury of darkness and unpredictable emotions. I get infuriated for reasons that are minuscule and difficult to justify.

Everything feels like its bubbled up and if I let one thing out, it'll be a stampede of emotions, out of control and there's no telling what the aftermath will look like. So I can't afford to let one thing go. I can't afford not to hold things together. I can't afford to break just a little. I have to hold it all in although it gets so hard to breath and it feels like my lungs are ready to cave in.

I'm afraid i'll never be able to come back from it all if I give in. I don't know if I'll be able to pick up the pieces again if I let it go crashing. I don't know if anyone will be there to notice.