I haven't been here in a while. I don't think I remember how it works.
They say you never forget how to ride a bike. Funny that you can forget how to recognize yourself in the mirror. I digress.
But strangely I've been thinking about writing again. A LOT. Been looking for the right platform. I guess some habits are hard to drop. Wandered over here and re-read my old conundrums. Some still current. I guess some lessons still looking to be learnt.
Anyways, a little something I wrote a while ago. Found in the dark recesses of old storage. #joysofmariekondo
I think my thoughts don't quite matter anymore
The understanding of our seas seems blurry to you
I say this to you because you are the Captain of this ship
The rest of us your loyal shipmates
A sailor comes to shift your sight to new horizons
Adventures await, and we stand unfailing
We're searched many hidden treasures before
Why should this be any different?
I will strive to put my best foot forward,
My loyalty lies in the fact that I am who I am, and you who you are
But will you stay you, and I stay I...if the sea changes us?
0
A dark place...
I'm lousy at this. I haven't been on this page in a long time. Too many memories. Too much drama. Too much baggage. Funny how I'm back here. Especially now.
It just feels like I've gotten to a really dark place and I can't seem to get out. The countless times I've told myself to straighten my back and push forward. I think I've grown immune to my own voice, my own sense of reason, my conscience.
It feels like I've lost control...of everything. Maybe I never had control to begin with. Maybe it was all ... I just don't know anymore.
I'm here coz I don't know where to turn to anymore. I'm here coz I've forgotten what its like to be able to open up and let someone else in. I'm here coz I think my thoughts are over dramatic and stupid and hold no worth but I can't help but be affected by them. I'm here coz I don't think other people will understand becoz I don't understand.
It's taken control and I can't stop it. I can't stop the days where all I want to do is curl up in a dark corner, shut off from the world and remain in silence. I can't control my temper and have lost most of my patience. I feel bad that I can't bring myself to participate in activities and conversations with dear friends and loved ones coz I don't want to have them succumb to my fury of darkness and unpredictable emotions. I get infuriated for reasons that are minuscule and difficult to justify.
Everything feels like its bubbled up and if I let one thing out, it'll be a stampede of emotions, out of control and there's no telling what the aftermath will look like. So I can't afford to let one thing go. I can't afford not to hold things together. I can't afford to break just a little. I have to hold it all in although it gets so hard to breath and it feels like my lungs are ready to cave in.
I'm afraid i'll never be able to come back from it all if I give in. I don't know if I'll be able to pick up the pieces again if I let it go crashing. I don't know if anyone will be there to notice.
It just feels like I've gotten to a really dark place and I can't seem to get out. The countless times I've told myself to straighten my back and push forward. I think I've grown immune to my own voice, my own sense of reason, my conscience.
It feels like I've lost control...of everything. Maybe I never had control to begin with. Maybe it was all ... I just don't know anymore.
I'm here coz I don't know where to turn to anymore. I'm here coz I've forgotten what its like to be able to open up and let someone else in. I'm here coz I think my thoughts are over dramatic and stupid and hold no worth but I can't help but be affected by them. I'm here coz I don't think other people will understand becoz I don't understand.
It's taken control and I can't stop it. I can't stop the days where all I want to do is curl up in a dark corner, shut off from the world and remain in silence. I can't control my temper and have lost most of my patience. I feel bad that I can't bring myself to participate in activities and conversations with dear friends and loved ones coz I don't want to have them succumb to my fury of darkness and unpredictable emotions. I get infuriated for reasons that are minuscule and difficult to justify.
Everything feels like its bubbled up and if I let one thing out, it'll be a stampede of emotions, out of control and there's no telling what the aftermath will look like. So I can't afford to let one thing go. I can't afford not to hold things together. I can't afford to break just a little. I have to hold it all in although it gets so hard to breath and it feels like my lungs are ready to cave in.
I'm afraid i'll never be able to come back from it all if I give in. I don't know if I'll be able to pick up the pieces again if I let it go crashing. I don't know if anyone will be there to notice.
Posted by
Melia Ayesha
Still surviving
Not yet dead. Not yet fully alive. But still pulling through.
Maybe my last post was a tad melodramatic. But in its full essence, that was how I felt. Past tense. Meaning I have moved on from that...hopefully to a world where I can make better sense of things.
The way life tends to sway from making dreams come true to making nightmares come to life... it scares me to even think of creeping up to the next curtain and peeking to see what lies in store for me.
For now I still keep my little wish lists in jars by my window protected by my dream catcher that sways, swept by the night wind. As the stars gleam looking on, reminding themselves of their distant memory of the wide eyed little girl on bended knees praying for her BIG dreams.
Well, the stars can be rest assured that the girl, not little anymore is still on her knees, no longer praying but fighting for her dreams. Although she no longer knows what those dreams are anymore, she just knows they are BIG and she will recognize them when she gets there. Till then, she keeps pushing forward, straining her back but learning at every step that she can achieve more than she assumed possible.
Posted by
Melia Ayesha
Gone...
After months of keeping things under control, I think I've lost it.
I don't know how to think/feel/react/interact/manage anymore.
Maybe its the stress of trying the best not to screw up the last chance at paper qualifications.
Maybe its the notice that the world does not give you what you have given to it.
Maybe its the emotional let down of having to lose a friend for reasons which are out of your own capabilities, although you've tried your best not to let it happen.
Maybe its the exhaustion from constantly having to deal with issues caused by people who won't think things through before taking action.
Maybe its the knowledge that nothing is going as planned.
Maybe its the sudden loneliness that engulfs you although the room is full of people.
Maybe its the disappointment of knowing that people still find a way to make comments of you even if you try your best to stay well hidden.
Maybe its the sudden urge to want to run away and hide from the world.
Maybe its the knowledge that as much as you try your best to keep something alive with least suffering, if its time to go, its time to go.
Maybe its the let down of knowing someone could make a difference, just stand by, watch and do absolutely nothing.
Maybe its the feeling when something you hold so precious and dear, get snatched away while in your grasp.
It could just be the suppressed anger from all the above boiling up and eating you alive.
It could just be tears which need to be shed.
It could be the need to have someone just hold you and not having to be strong on your own accord.
Even so, there is no time or space to break down. Situations may take a toll, but the backbone still needs to remain strong. Even when at the brink of insanity. Even if you are exhausted and the mind still remains adamant on playing tricks on you, even as you sleep.
Get me out of here.
I don't know how to think/feel/react/interact/manage anymore.
Maybe its the stress of trying the best not to screw up the last chance at paper qualifications.
Maybe its the notice that the world does not give you what you have given to it.
Maybe its the emotional let down of having to lose a friend for reasons which are out of your own capabilities, although you've tried your best not to let it happen.
Maybe its the exhaustion from constantly having to deal with issues caused by people who won't think things through before taking action.
Maybe its the knowledge that nothing is going as planned.
Maybe its the sudden loneliness that engulfs you although the room is full of people.
Maybe its the disappointment of knowing that people still find a way to make comments of you even if you try your best to stay well hidden.
Maybe its the sudden urge to want to run away and hide from the world.
Maybe its the knowledge that as much as you try your best to keep something alive with least suffering, if its time to go, its time to go.
Maybe its the let down of knowing someone could make a difference, just stand by, watch and do absolutely nothing.
Maybe its the feeling when something you hold so precious and dear, get snatched away while in your grasp.
It could just be the suppressed anger from all the above boiling up and eating you alive.
It could just be tears which need to be shed.
It could be the need to have someone just hold you and not having to be strong on your own accord.
Even so, there is no time or space to break down. Situations may take a toll, but the backbone still needs to remain strong. Even when at the brink of insanity. Even if you are exhausted and the mind still remains adamant on playing tricks on you, even as you sleep.
Get me out of here.
Posted by
Melia Ayesha
Living is more important..
Its been forever since I've penned my thoughts. Its ironic really that when I finally decided to drag myself out of bed this morning, I was overcome with this urge to just sit and write. After months of ignoring this page, I seemed to just gravitate to it.
I've just turned 24. The years have taken me through quite a few adventures and taught me a bunch of lessons that I am grateful for. Its made me stronger and wiser. I'm pretty sure that there are a lot more lessons just lurking in the corner and waiting to just throw themselves at me, I've learnt to just give them their time and space to happen.
I've been reminded an awful lot lately to just LIVE life. Because its short. Because you only get to live it once. Because you should constantly count on your blessings before they feel like they've been taken for grantedd. The past week has been filled with people constantly dropping notes of how I should keep breathing and take things a step at a time. And looking back, I couldn't agree more.
I was given quite a hard knock on the head when a friend told me at the wee hours in the morning that, 'Life, is not about the rat race your running, its about living'. Something just snapped in me. I just noticed how I've been trying my hardest to rush through the time and I've forgotten to really take a step back and smile. I have to admit that stress has become like a constant in my days of late that I didn't even realize that its there. It took a trip to KL along with a dinner date with a bunch of crazy friends to take notice of how things have been just running wrongly.
I suddenly noticed how detached I've been. It feels like I've been just reading about life and how I go through my days instead of actually living it. Does that happen to anyone else? Where you look back at the past few months and don't know where they flew by. Recalling them is like remembering words from a book you just read. Not something you've actually experienced but just words that pass in your head. I'm detached.
I've just turned 24. The years have taken me through quite a few adventures and taught me a bunch of lessons that I am grateful for. Its made me stronger and wiser. I'm pretty sure that there are a lot more lessons just lurking in the corner and waiting to just throw themselves at me, I've learnt to just give them their time and space to happen.
I've been reminded an awful lot lately to just LIVE life. Because its short. Because you only get to live it once. Because you should constantly count on your blessings before they feel like they've been taken for grantedd. The past week has been filled with people constantly dropping notes of how I should keep breathing and take things a step at a time. And looking back, I couldn't agree more.
I was given quite a hard knock on the head when a friend told me at the wee hours in the morning that, 'Life, is not about the rat race your running, its about living'. Something just snapped in me. I just noticed how I've been trying my hardest to rush through the time and I've forgotten to really take a step back and smile. I have to admit that stress has become like a constant in my days of late that I didn't even realize that its there. It took a trip to KL along with a dinner date with a bunch of crazy friends to take notice of how things have been just running wrongly.
I suddenly noticed how detached I've been. It feels like I've been just reading about life and how I go through my days instead of actually living it. Does that happen to anyone else? Where you look back at the past few months and don't know where they flew by. Recalling them is like remembering words from a book you just read. Not something you've actually experienced but just words that pass in your head. I'm detached.
Posted by
Melia Ayesha
+= Puppet Turned Scapegoat =+
Amazing how my opinions, never affected your decisions
Amazing how what you felt, was more important than reason
Amazing how suddenly I, have been placed as the advocate for all your decisions
Amazing how I, am suddenly the cause of all this friction
Forgotten are the days when I asked you to look at things from a different point of view
Forgotten are the days when I asked you to walk in someone else's shoes
Forgotten are the days when I shed some light to a world you would have not have thought of
Forgotten are the days when I sighed for a battle not worth fighting for
And yet today light has been shed on the situation
Tables have turned and fingers have been pointed
Awkward conversations and indiscreet silences
Brush offs and cold shoulders
In my direction no doubt
No one else knows of the going ons backstage
Yet the performances in the spotlight is all that matter
And you have executed your role flawlessly
As they say, life is but a stage play
Quiet as I lay
Cringing at the knifes that stab
The story will be left untold
For I remain the puppet turned scapegoat.
Posted by
Melia Ayesha
When you give, you receive in tenfold.
I know I haven't been updating much. Life has just been one turbulence after another. It shouldn't be a surprise that I'm looking forward to the New Year. I hope things work out better. Scratch that. I know things will be better. (by the power of will as they say)
Anyways, its been a long Christmas this year. Although I wasn't in Ipoh most of the time. However, I found a new feeling for Christmas this year. One that I know I will keep for a long, long, long, long, long, long..........time. *you catch my drift*
It started off with a visit to the Pediatric ward at UUMC Hospital in the middle of December. I never thought that the joy I saw on the faces of the children could make the sun shine seem brighter. But it did. Don't get me wrong, I have done my fair share of charity work in the past. Yet, this just seemed different. I saw the expression of gloom on some of the faces of these children a few minutes before. Suddenly while interacting with them, their faces simply lit up with wonder. Of course it helped that Allie & Tabby, the mascots from the mountain I work for was there. But still, there was this sudden change in them, like soft blush of excitement as they received gifts and hugged the mascots. Heads up to the 2 men who walked around in the suits for 2 hours. By the end of the day, they were barely breathing. Lol.
Then there was this crazily Funky Christmas Party! Which was held on the mountain for nearly 400 less fortunate children. The preparation for the event the night before truly made me feel like one of Santa's Elf's. The hours spent preparing 400 goodie bags and sorting out gifts till the wee hours of the morning and getting barely 2 hours of sleep really was worth it. From putting t-shirts and teddy bears into a bag, to sorting through names and making sure that each child had the gift he/she wished for. We even checked the name list twice! Talking about being true to playing the part of Santa's Little Helper. I'm glad to say that each child walked away that day with the gift they wished for. I on the other hand, walked away with this strong sense of what Christmas is all about. I even had Christmas songs playing through my head the whole week. =) *Santa Baby....lalalalala*
The next day after work, headed back home to spend Christmas with the family. Me and the bro's made plans and came up with crazy gifts for the family. Let me tell you, there was a lot of conspiracy going on. Safe to say that everyone ended up with many awesome gifts and smiles went round the whole house. Especially with the parents. They seemed quite overjoyed and I am glad! *all the stress was worth it* Mum was especially in good moods and Dad was just grinning ear to ear.
The day after Christmas, Dad & the Lions Club decided to visit some Spastic Children and we enjoyed our time with them singing Christmas Carols. They clapped and echoed along as we sang... *even though some were croaking* Lol.
I've learnt some really valuable lessons this Christmas. Lessons I don't ever want to forget. I guess this post will remain to remind of them. Till the next time, I hope you all have/had/will have a Blessed Merry Christmas & an Awesome Fulfilling New Year. It doesn't matter what has/will happen. What matters is that you make the best of it!
*photos to be updated soon*
Anyways, its been a long Christmas this year. Although I wasn't in Ipoh most of the time. However, I found a new feeling for Christmas this year. One that I know I will keep for a long, long, long, long, long, long..........time. *you catch my drift*
It started off with a visit to the Pediatric ward at UUMC Hospital in the middle of December. I never thought that the joy I saw on the faces of the children could make the sun shine seem brighter. But it did. Don't get me wrong, I have done my fair share of charity work in the past. Yet, this just seemed different. I saw the expression of gloom on some of the faces of these children a few minutes before. Suddenly while interacting with them, their faces simply lit up with wonder. Of course it helped that Allie & Tabby, the mascots from the mountain I work for was there. But still, there was this sudden change in them, like soft blush of excitement as they received gifts and hugged the mascots. Heads up to the 2 men who walked around in the suits for 2 hours. By the end of the day, they were barely breathing. Lol.
Then there was this crazily Funky Christmas Party! Which was held on the mountain for nearly 400 less fortunate children. The preparation for the event the night before truly made me feel like one of Santa's Elf's. The hours spent preparing 400 goodie bags and sorting out gifts till the wee hours of the morning and getting barely 2 hours of sleep really was worth it. From putting t-shirts and teddy bears into a bag, to sorting through names and making sure that each child had the gift he/she wished for. We even checked the name list twice! Talking about being true to playing the part of Santa's Little Helper. I'm glad to say that each child walked away that day with the gift they wished for. I on the other hand, walked away with this strong sense of what Christmas is all about. I even had Christmas songs playing through my head the whole week. =) *Santa Baby....lalalalala*
The next day after work, headed back home to spend Christmas with the family. Me and the bro's made plans and came up with crazy gifts for the family. Let me tell you, there was a lot of conspiracy going on. Safe to say that everyone ended up with many awesome gifts and smiles went round the whole house. Especially with the parents. They seemed quite overjoyed and I am glad! *all the stress was worth it* Mum was especially in good moods and Dad was just grinning ear to ear.
The day after Christmas, Dad & the Lions Club decided to visit some Spastic Children and we enjoyed our time with them singing Christmas Carols. They clapped and echoed along as we sang... *even though some were croaking* Lol.
I've learnt some really valuable lessons this Christmas. Lessons I don't ever want to forget. I guess this post will remain to remind of them. Till the next time, I hope you all have/had/will have a Blessed Merry Christmas & an Awesome Fulfilling New Year. It doesn't matter what has/will happen. What matters is that you make the best of it!
*photos to be updated soon*
Posted by
Melia Ayesha
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